When you and your baby are competing for the “No, I’mmmm the fussiest” award because it’s 1000 degrees outside with a humidity index so high it’ll frizz the hair of a baby who barely has any hair, and your sister proves how good of a sister she is by leaving her own central air conditioned home to hang out with you in your oven of a home, you drink Bud Light Limes and talk sister stuff and put worker-man goggles on your son and you laugh. And he looks at you like this and you laugh harder because he’s such a good sport.
When you go to the dermatologist and you ask her how her summer has been in an attempt to lighten her rather harsh mood and she tells you she doesn’t like summer, you smile and nod and stifle the urge to ask her if it’s because she hates the sun as much as she hates people because she’s about to stick a needle and then a knife into your foot. You pretend you forgot she made you cry at your last appointment and you act like you’re her best friend because she’s holding very sharp utensils pointed at you.
When you finally purchase an item of clothing for yourself for the first time in like a year, make sure it’s a patterned romper because that’s a practical staple piece that you’ll get lots of use out of. Don’t be surprised when your husband remarks, “oh… it really is one piece” like you haven’t been calling it your adult onesie all week.
When you’re in bumper-to-bumper traffic dancing and singing like you’re Iggy Azalea herself and you glance to the left and notice the dude next to you has definitely been enjoying your performance, play it cool. He won’t be able to tell that you’re blushing as aggressively as you are or if the brake lights from the car ahead of you are reflecting off your face.